The Importance of Support

..and no, I don't mean using a good solid underwire brassiere!  (Though that certainly has provided a reliable level of support for me in the past...) 
Yesterday, I completed the next-to-last consultation on my surgery checklist, the "nurse education seminar."  Personally, I think it needs a new name.  The way they titled it makes it sound like we're going to a training for nurses, not with nurses; but that's probably my inner English teacher showing.  Anywaaaay, the seminar itself was just fine.  From my perspective, it was a restatment of most of the things I've already gone out and researched, or learned about on the VST forums, but all of the information was clear and helpful.

Most of the things I've had to do pre-op were things that needed to be completed solo.  Lab work, EKG, pulmonary clearance, psych evaluations, support group meetings.  My family couldn't really experience these with me, and that can make it a little tough on them.  I've had a few months to process and think everything through, but for the people who love me, this is happening really quickly--so the seminar gives them a place to ask questions and get answers from a reliable health care professional.  All good.

Yesterday's seminar was pretty small, just me and two other patients with their companions.  My SO took it all in, wrote some notes and asked a few questions.  No problem.  What I did notice, though, was that one lady seemed very uncertain about being sleeved--even though her surgery may be sometime in the next month.  I don't mean that she seemed nervous; heck, I'M nervous about this entire thing, most days.  Having major surgery that happens to involve the permanent removal of most of a major organ should make us nervous, otherwise we're not taking it seriously.

This lady, though, wasn't just suffering jitters or butterflies.  She was questioning whether she should go through with the surgery.  She's lost a little weight pre-op--as many of us do--and she's now wondering if she could "just take the weight off the natural way" instead of pursuing surgery.  She also seemed interested in the lapband, despite our nurse-educator's statements that the band really isn't done very much in that practice any more due to problems with it and that it often leads to scars and weight regain.  She admitted to being uncertain, and attracted to the lapband because it's not necessarily permanent.

That's all well and good.  If any candidate for surgery decides it's not for them, especially a surgery that is irreversible, I support that choice.  After all, the surgeons aren't going anywhere; you can always opt to try it down the road if you re-change your mind.  What bothered me, though, was the attitude of this nervous lady's husband.

He was rah-thuh like Thurston Howell the Third (y'know, from "Gilligan's Island").  At first, he came across as very concerned for his wife; wanting to know about healing times and complication rates, and post-op dietary needs.  Later, though, he seemed to be the driving force behind her uncertainty.  He said that if she's lost weight on her own, it makes him believe surgery isn't as necessary as self-discipline.
Imma let you re-read that last sentence.
...
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Yeah. 
He's not celebrating her progress in losing a little weight before surgery.  He's basically blaming her lack of  "self discipline" for her obesity.   She's fat, and it's because she's weak.  She lacks control.  She's taking the easy way out.

Okay--he didn't say those things out loud, but he may as well have.  When I pointed out that his wife might feel more confident about her choice if she had a support system that included sleeved post-op patients who could share their experiences with her, he asked if I knew anyone who'd been sleeved.  Why, yes, actually--and she's been incredibly successful; managed to get from near 300 lbs. to a size 10 in two years.  His response?  "Was she disciplined about losing weight?" 
What the eff kind of question is that?  Was she disciplined?  Well, yeah, she was--so are most successful WLS'ers.   But the sleeve is a major help--thus the reason many post-op people call it their "tool".  Kind of tough to sit down and eat an entire pizza or a bucket of chicken wings when your stomach can't hold more than half a cup!   I shouldn't care so much about someone else's decision either yea or nay about having this surgery.  I guess that man's smug WASPish attitude and condescending outlook toward his wife's prospects for success really bothered me.

After that epiphany, I realized that I'm lucky to have my family's support.  I made sure to let them know that, after witnessing what the other side of the coin can be like.
I hope you have a good, strong support system, too!

What Do You Most Want out of WLS?

I don't think anyone really goes into weight-loss surgery--whether it's Roux-en-Y, the lapband, or the gastric sleeve--without really wanting something.  I mean, who would willingly undergo anesthesia, the risks of abdominal surgery, have their innards re-routed, removed, or forcibly collared with a foreign object, unless the possible benefits FAR outweighed (pardon the pun) the possible risks or side effects?  Nobody, that's who.

So what is it that you want most from this big "system reset"?  Are you focused on health as your top priority?  Getting rid of blood pressure meds, insulin, crackling knees and aching hips?   Are you looking forward to wearing clothes that accentuate your slimmer self rather than camouflage the bumps and wobbles?   Are you excited to be able to join in on physical activities; whether that means running a 10K or chasing your toddler around the park?

If I'm brutally honest with myself, I guess it's a little of all three, but although my middle-aged body is starting to protest at lugging around an extra Olsen-twin-and-a-half of weight, I haven't had any major health complications from my obesity.  Okay, I'm not able to run up three flights of stairs any more without feeling like I'll need a fifteen-minute rest and an oxygen tank at the top, that's true.  I'll probably be more active post-op, though I don't see myself becoming a marathoner.  (It could happen, but I doubt it.  If I suddenly crave long-distance running, I promise to let you know!)  My kids are both in their teens, so we don't do a lot of Red Rover or tag in the back yard these days. 

My main focus is to be happy in my own skin.  Maybe that's a little vain, but there it is.  I want to shop for pretty clothes that make me want to sashay instead of hide.  I want to look the best that middle-aged me can.  I want my kids to be proud of how their mom looks, instead of feeling defensive about having a "fat mom".  I'm tired of hating the way I look, and REALLY tired of hating myself for not succeeding at weight loss in the past. 
That's my big prize, the one I'm going to struggle towards every single day for the next couple of years.  I want to be in the best shape I can be, in the smallest size I can reach. 

What's your big goal? 

My Post-Op Promise.

***Cross Posted from the VST Forums***

My post-op promise (for when I get there):

Well, I could say I swear to forever and always give up sweets and carbs, but I know myself, and that's not realistic. One day, post-op, I will indulge in a nibble or two, and be able to step away from the sugars.
I could say I swear to work out for two hours a day, 7 days a week, but unless I've fallen through a rip in the time-space continuum into an alternate universe, I'm gonna have to go with "nope" on that as well.

But here's what I can promise. I solemnly swear not to be one of those post-WLS folks who feel so pleased with their own success and progress that they then look down on obese people who haven't made changes. I will never hate on any non-WLS person.

What makes me say this right now? (Apart from the fact that I'm just not that mean?) I've been reading around the internet, looking at WLS blogs that are scattered across various sites, reading Facebook profiles that were linked to the authors of those blogs, and stumbled across someone's public Facebook photo of an extremely obese woman who was out running her errands (shopping and whatnot). This woman most likely had NO idea she was being photographed, and the picture is certainly not flattering. The caption mentioned how the photographer felt "sick to their sleeve" after looking at the obese lady.

Wow.

Now, I don't know the photographer from Adam's left ox; I just happened to stumble across them while internet-wandering, and they had publicly posted photos--the pics weren't hidden in any way. I clicked away from that Facebook profile feeling sad and disgusted that someone who bragged about conquering their food challenges and accepted lots of public back-patting for it would then skewer another human being who hasn't been able/brave enough/informed enough to take the same steps.
So, I am publicly promising never, EVER, to be that catty and smug about whatever progress this tool brings my way. I will never, EVER judge someone else who isn't on the same path as my own. Weighing less won't turn me into a rude or obnoxious person, any more than being heavy makes me one.

You can all hold me to it.